All About Anticipatory Grief
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Grief, according to the American Psychological Association, is referred to as the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.
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Shock and disbelief, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, physical symptoms (e.g., fatigue, changes in appetite, insomnia), cognitive symptoms (e.g., difficulty concentrating, making decisions, remembering), social withdrawal, sense of emptiness, etc
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Ambiguous grief refers to loss without closure. In gbm, this can be seen as a psychological absence with physical presence. Your loved one may be physically present, but they’ve changed, whether emotionally, cognitively, or both.
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Anticipatory grief refers to grief before the death of a loved one or other impending loss. It’s the experience of knowing that a change is coming, and starting to experience bereavement before loss. This can be seen in GBM as grieving the future without a loved one. Anticipatory grief is the grief that you expect to experience, much of which is conceptual and can change over time.
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Stage based explanation of grief: The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like ‘Oh I’ve moved on from denial and now I think I’m entering the angry stage’. But this isn’t often the case. In fact Kübler-Ross, in her writing, makes it clear that the stages are non-linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. You might not experience all of the stages, and you might find feelings are quite different with different bereavements.
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This model is referred to as “ the growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery.” According to this model of grief, in the initial stages of bereavement, grief tends to be all-consuming. As time goes on, the grief remains, but instead of consuming a person’s entire world, the grief grows smaller, and other areas of the individual’s life grow larger. This means that with time, new experiences, new relationships, and moments of happiness will begin to take up a larger portion of a person’s life, and the grief will shrink. Despite growing smaller compared to other areas of life, grief will still remain in the background. This theory suggests that there is a level of resilience that comes with a loss. Even if feelings of grief remain in the foreground or rise to the surface from time to time, people learn to incorporate grief into their overall identity while finding happiness in other areas of life.
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Grief is described, in this model, as a mountain climb. Its peak is obscured by mist, representing the uncertainty of the future after a loss. The beginning of the climb is marked by a profound realization – the awareness of loss, standing at the foot of this colossal mountain. The ascent is slow and grueling. Each step upward represents a day lived without the presence of a loved one. The terrain is rough and unpredictable, symbolizing the emotional turmoil of grief – the anger, the sadness, the moments of unexpected breakdowns. Sometimes the path is steep, requiring immense effort just to keep moving forward. At other times, the trail levels out, offering brief respites from the pain. During the climb, there are moments of intense struggle when the very idea of continuing feels impossible. The weather changes abruptly – a sudden storm making the journey even more challenging. Yet, there are also moments of serenity when the sun breaks through the clouds, casting a warm glow on the landscape. The climb is not a solitary endeavor. Fellow climbers, representing friends, family, and support networks, walk alongside, their presence a reminder that you are not alone in your journey. The summit, shrouded in mist, represents acceptance. Reaching the top does not mean forgetting the ones you’ve lost, but it signifies coming to terms with the reality of their absence. The view from the peak is bittersweet – a panorama of memories, love, and gratitude. You are stronger, more resilient, and deeply appreciative of life's fragile beauty. In the metaphorical climb of grief, the mountain itself becomes a part of you. Just as every climb leaves an indelible mark on the climber, every experience of grief transforms and molds the grieving heart, teaching profound lessons about love, loss, and the human spirit's enduring ability to endure and heal.
“[… ] the person is still there and you are slowly starting to lose the person that you knew to begin with. [… ] You are grieving that, the things you have already lost in the person, but you are also grieving the future of your life without the person. You really are going through all the emotions of grief, all the stages of grief before you lose someone.”
“some ways I have experienced anticipatory grief include inability to get out of bed, unable to eat or being overly hungry, physical sickness (nausea), grief brain (forgetfulness, mental fog, reduced attention span and a sense of disorientation, lack of motivation to exercise.”
Kate Snedeker and Jenna Palek discuss anticipatory grief on podcast, Fun on Weekdays.
“The painful reality of grief is that it can sneak up on you at any moment. One minute you could be walking along with a smile on your face, and then all of a sudden a song comes on the radio or a memory takes you back to a special time with your loved ones. I don’t think I will ever get used to this.”
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“How’d you sleep?”
“Have a good day”
“Here is a song that reminds me of you”
“Here is a memory I have of your person”
“I am happy to listen if you need me to”
“What is the best way I can support you?
“I am so proud of your strength”
“I am here for you”
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Offer home help such as home cooked meals, child care, rides, errands. Share words of encouragement such as handwritten cards and messages, offer support and encouragement, ask how you can help, order sympathy ice cream.
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Grief is complex, there is no timeline and no specific way anyone grieving is supposed to feel.
“You can’t fix grief, there is no fix. You just have to feel the grief, and it’s connecting with other people who are grieving so you don’t feel like you’re crazy for feeling the way you do.”
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Grieve Leave is a movement that inspires grievers to intentionally take time to process the feelings that come with loss. In December 2021, Rebecca Feinglos quit her job to take a sabbatical year to grieve. She called her journey "Grieve leave," and documented her thoughts on her blog and social media. Through sharing knowledge, advice and tangible resources, and creating a space for others to grieve, Rebecca has expanded Grieve Leave beyond her own personal journey and has grown into a community of thousands. Whether you've lost a pet or you've lost your parents, grief is not one-size-fits-all. Grieve Leave is a community built to support others in learning to grieve all of our losses. There's no wrong way to grieve.
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A website focused on all things grief related.
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An audio support system on handling grief & discovering spirituality hosted by Grief Educator/Coach Aleks Muller
