Funerals, Memorials, End of Life Celebrations and Other Rituals

As I reach the first anniversary of my dad's funeral, I have been reflecting on my experience. I did not have much experience with funerals before my dad’s and going in, I didn’t know what to expect.

Advice from me, Kate, a year out.

• Do not feel guilty for any feelings you are having. I cried, laughed, was angry, etc.

• My sister and I got our hair done the day of the memorial dinner to do something “special” beforehand. Do something nice for yourself, even if that is just buying a coffee or flowers.

• Remember that you can celebrate/keep your person’s memory alive HOWEVER YOU want. I prefer not to associate my dad with ashes/being buried. Instead, I hope to scatter his ashes in places he loved most like in the ocean. I will also include some other options I looked into below (there are many!)

• If you are traveling with ashes, prepare yourself. You will likely be stopped by security at TSA.

• If loved ones are speaking at the funeral, memorial, end-of-life celebration, etc, record it. I have found a lot of peace this week listening to the stories and sentiments shared about my dad during both the celebration of life and the memorial dinner.

• If planning a funeral immediately is too stressful, consider holding a memorial service weeks or months later. My dad passed in March and his funeral was not until June.

• Make sure you have private moments to grieve and reflect on your own.

• Allow members of the loved one’s life to participate in the planning and ceremony if they want to. Their perspective and involvement can be healing.

• I appreciated the “open house” aspect of the celebration of life. This allowed for flexibility and wasn’t as much pressure for friends of my family. People could stop by to show their support and leave whenever they deemed appropriate.

Anticipatory grief can feel very different than grief post-loss.

Anticipatory grief allows time for emotional preparation for the loss, potentially providing opportunities for closure and saying goodbye in meaningful ways. Post-loss grief involves adjusting to the immediate reality of the loss and its impact on daily life.

My anticipatory grief felt overwhelming and all-encompassing, weighing heavily on my heart and mind every moment of the day. It felt like a continuous emotional process where the impending loss of my dad loomed largely, affecting my thoughts, feelings, and almost every aspect of my daily life. When my dad passed, initially, I grappled with the stark reality of his absence, which was consuming in its own way. Over time, though, the intensity of grief that I experienced before the loss lessened. Now, it's in the moments when his absence is most palpable that I feel the deepest waves of grief. This evolution has shown me that grief changes shape over time, from preparing for loss to adjusting to life without their presence.

My coping mechanisms changed, too. During anticipatory grief, I found myself needing more external support and sought solace in group settings like group therapy. Being able to share experiences and emotions with others who were going through similar situations provided a sense of understanding and solidarity that a 1 on 1 therapist couldn’t provide. The communal support helped validate my feelings and offered different perspectives on grief and loss. During anticipatory grief, I also feel that I leaned heavily on outside support systems beyond group therapy such as from friends and family. However, after my dad passed away, I found that I needed more time to process my emotions and thoughts alone. One-on-one therapy sessions became more beneficial as I navigated the complexities of grief on a personal level.

Burial Alternatives

Advice I was given:

• “For my dad’s funeral, I let other people speak- I don’t remember much of that day but I knew I couldn’t say anything even if I tried my hardest.”

  — Anonymous Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “If he was cremated don’t pay to have his ashes brought to the site, it saves a lot to just pick them up.”

  — Hattie, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Don’t feel forced to do or say anything. If you want to speak, speak from the heart and remember you do not owe anyone anything. You don’t have to explain why you are acting or feeling a certain way.”

  — Jadyn, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “You do not have to engage in conversations that make you upset/uncomfortable. Sometimes people say silly things because grief is such a taboo topic in our society and some people don’t know how to act [...] Your mental health is the most important.”

  — Anonymous Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Accept support from others. Feel the energy in the air. Ground yourself and take in the moment because it is a lot to process.”

  — Anonymous Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Don’t guilt yourself if you just need to get through it. Be as selfish as you need.”

  — Marlee, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Everyone is different, but I didn’t even cry. I was so numb.”

  — Kaitlyn, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “It’s ok to tell people what you need or don’t need.”

  — Rachel, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Drink water, give yourself and others grace. Don’t have expectations of other people's grief.”

  — Jeanette, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “It can be very overwhelming, take a couple extra days off after the services to grieve and regroup.”

  — Abbey, a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter

• “Make plans for afterwards. Coming back to to an empty house was something we didn’t want and having people come over after really helped. We laughed, we cried and we reflected on the day.”

  — a Gray for Glioblastoma Supporter